except to walk through hell itself
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: What happens when the most logical and calm person is the one to start a love triangle inside of his own head? (tezuka and fuji, tezuka and ryouma pairings)


**fandom - Prince of Tennis / Tennis no Oujisama**  
 **title - except to walk through hell itself.**  
 **pairing - tezuka + fuji, tezuka + ryouma**  
 **rating - pg-13**  
 **description - What happens when the most logical and calm person is the one to start a love triangle inside of his own head?**

 **Disclaimer – Prince of Tennis / Tennis no Oujisama is not mine. Tezuka's the hunny bunny that I love.**

As I headed home, I gripped onto a yellow notebook. In this very notebook, I wrote a thank you letter. It was simple, short, and sincere. It held all the things I could not say no matter how sincere they were.  
And yet, how was I supposed to know…

…that it would be the ruin of my self-image, making me guilty beyond self-hatred?

 **except to walk through hell itself.  
By miyamoto yui**

Before you had left for the tournament, we made out in the locker room. Under the sunlight, you kissed me with your arms around my shoulders, licking my lips and I'd suck on your tongue until I made my way to your neck.  
You'd laugh as you'd whispered, "No one would ever even guess how awful you really are, Buchou."  
I exaggerated clearing my throat as I answered, "Well, I'd never thought I'd be in this situation. You can't anticipate yourself being-"  
"Mitsu? Shut up." Syusuke laughed as he continued to kiss me.  
I laughed. Only he could playfully order me around and yet listen to everything I ever said to him.

That was right. There was nothing to be explained unless he asked me to.  
Usually, he could read my thoughts and I wouldn't have to tell anything.

After practice, I nodded my head upwards with papers in my hands. Syusuke winked at me and I cleared my throat. He laughed on his way to the locker room before we'd go to the airport that night.  
One look revealed everything in a second. This was how our relationship was: Free and balanced, wild and exciting, and unpredictable and full of yearning.

This was the last kiss he gave to me before he left on the airplane in September of our senior year in high school.  
I bought him some chocolate to eat on his trip. Without discretion, this high school boy rips the box open and inserts one chocolate-filled macademia nut into my mouth, pushing his fingers so that my lips would touch them.

He was so unpredictable.  
And yet, when we had to leave, he was having a hard time smiling at me. No matter how mature he was, there was still that vulnerable part of him that only I knew. So, I looked from side to side and cleared my throat. I leaned forward to say, "Wherever you go, don't stop."  
Then, when I stepped back, I contorted my face to give him a silly expression. He burst out in laughter and pointed at me. His real smile came out before he left and I was glad.

I was grinning as well, trying not to feel too sentimental or else he'd be worried.  
If he only knew it was much worse than I'd ever let him know. I loved Syusuke and I would have given him everything if I could. I was always thinking of what our future would be and how I would have to work towards gaining degrees, work, money, a home…

The last thing he text'd me when he left Japan was: "Take good care of yourself."  
As much as I looked like a person made of iron outside, in the inside, I was as helpless as a child when I got confused. Syusuke had seen it.

As if I were invincible, I didn't feel hunger. Whenever I felt stressed, I didn't feel like eating and continued not to until I found my eyes becoming blurry and I fell onto the floor of the school roof. Syusuke happened to be looking for me and he had held me in his arms. I kept on saying not to say anything and that I was given the privilege to stay up on the roof because of the coach, who had given me the key in case I needed 'space to think'.

It was a place to calm down.

But, why, I wondered, did I end up at a shrine praying for someone else?

Late at night, I clapped two times and nodded my head in front of the local shrine. My parents were a little perplexed as to why I would run after dinner, but I said it was for training. There were no questions after that.

Well…that was good the first day. But after that, I snuck out of my room every night to have that walk.  
It was the 15th day.

Tennis, tennis, tennis. That's what was always on my mind.  
Strategies, tips, training, serves, footwork…My life revolved around perfecting a game that maybe I'd never reach the top of. And yet, I pretended to have that confidence as if it were certain as the sun was to rise the next morning.

My eyes were closed tightly and I felt the cold breeze running against my jacket. The weather was changing from fall to winter.  
Even though it was only one month and a half, it felt like Syusuke had been gone forever. I hadn't heard from him but we weren't such a couple to email or call one another everyday. Such frivolities always disgusted me.

And yet, here I was in front of the shrine with such troublesome emotions that were connected to those kinds of things.  
I thought…I thought I was beyond all this…

"Please help him," I said aloud.  
Opening my eyes, I bowed again and turned around to walk down the small steps towards the direction of my home.

 _/"Buchou…I am going to apply for a transfer to another school, on the other side of town. Please train me." He held out his racket with one hand in front of me as if it was a demand rather than a request. He always disguised his affection with such a harsh attitude._

Even though we were now in high school, his eyes still overwhelmed me. No matter how many times I had seen them, they never wavered whenever I was within their view. Somehow though, little by little, my whole being was being sucked in each time they looked at me.

"Echizen. You don't have to call me Buchou. We aren't in Seigaku anymore." I turned around to take off my jacket to put it into the locker. I looked at him through the small mirror on my locker door. It was the one that Syusuke put in as a joke.  
He was already watching me, with his red racket still out towards me.

I turned around after closing the locker door. "What is there for me to teach you now?"  
These words weren't easy for me to say. After all, it was difficult to accept the fact that his talent was pure and mine was from conditioning myself to look as if it were natural.

What did he want from me now? What could I have possibly have done for him?  
After all, he was the one that made me see what I couldn't see in myself. So, how could he come to me with cut-throat, honest words like that?

Deep inside, I couldn't say something as selfish as, "Don't go."

I had no right to. I felt so helpless. I couldn't help and yet I didn't want to let go either. Of what, I wondered, when there was nothing between us…

I took up my racket bag and put it over my shoulder. Then, I walked up to him. He wasn't as short as before. When had he grown so tall? I felt older than I should have.  
I put my hand on top of his head and touched his hair. "Please don't ask me such things. You already know the answer."  
As I was about to walk away, he dropped his racket.

It made a loud klank sound on the ground as if it were gunshot right into my heart.

How could someone as prideful as this do something-

He tugged on my tennis jacket and leaned his head on my back. Quietly, he whispered through gritted teeth, "I didn't know where else to go."  
My eyes opened widely in shock and leaned my head forward to watch the ground emptily.  
"I debated for days on whether or not to ask you," he continued with his grip on my jacket becoming tighter and tighter, "but in the end, you are the only one I could think who could help me."

I stood there silently.

There was a part of me that couldn't ever say no to him…  
…especially when he smiled at me.

When we out into the courts, he grinned at me. Then he would clear his throat at me.

It was rarer to see him smile as it was for me because Syusuke brought that out of me already.../

This afternoon, ten days later, I watched Echizen's sweating face. Echizen only knew how to smirk out of amusement for a challenging situation. He still didn't know how to smile like an innocent child. He was always on his guard, as in if he let go of himself, people wouldn't respect him. It was either to intimidate or be intimidated, whether or not he was conscious of his actions.

Pwack, pwack.  
"Run faster to your left!" I shouted from the other side of the court.  
I usually didn't talk to so much, but he provoked it out of me. Ever since he graduated from Seigaku, he became a little more vocal. I didn't understand if it was out of admiration or wanting to challenge me again because I was always a part of his goals.  
"Should I have returned it a different…" He started to say as he took out a towel from his pocket. "…way?"

Skreeech!  
He ran towards me and jumped over the net. "Tezuka. Tezuka!"  
I was on my knees, breathing hard. I put my hand on his shoulder. "Keep talking to me. Don't tell this to anyone. Please."  
Out of panic, he put his hand on my head. "Stop thinking so much."

I couldn't see his face, but his tone was unlike him. It was actually tender.

Thinking about this now, I looked up to the white moon and pulled my jacket closer. I shook my head as I felt my heart beat very fast. And I wasn't even climbing up to my window yet.

 ***/*/*/***

Then, at the moment that I waited for Echizen to leave was approaching, I found myself obsessing on what to do for him. How could I part with him without letting him know my feelings and yet give him the confidence he needed from me in order to move forward?  
Every time I wanted to say something, my words failed me. I could only speak what needed to be said and I'd be interrupted every time I wanted to say something truly important.  
But still, I wanted to do something, so I wrote a letter:

"To Echizen,

Though I know you probably didn't need my help in order to get into that school, I am honored that you think so highly of me. But I must say that I quite admire you. You are a fast learner and your resolve is never deterred. Though I am one to appear this way as well, I know what my limits are, so I learn from you as well whenever I am with you.

Even though many people may think you are arrogant, I believe that you are humble and kind. Though you act like a brat, I know you aren't a bitter person and you only do it so that people will not take advantage of you.  
My favorite part of you is when you are playing on the court with that determined face, but you know will beat me someday. I have seen you only smile sincerely a few times, but I've had the pleasure of seeing such sides of you. These are times you look like you enjoy life.

Good luck in everything and take care.

Tezuka/Buchou/whichever you like to call me."

The next day, I gave it to him with a straight face and I felt relieved, but anxious at the same time. It looked like I had made a confession to both of us.

My stomach felt even more uneasy as I looked at Syusuke's smiling face in my wallet.

 ***/*/*/***

The day came when Echizen would transfer. He didn't say anything about the letter, but I knew he had read it. There was a different air whenever I was with him in the locker room. It was as if we had gotten closer, and I thought he would surely have gotten weirded out.

But just when I thought Echizen was going to say nothing, as I was sitting down tiredly on the bench, he patted my shoulder. I tensed up and pressed my back on the wall behind me.  
Then, without thinking, I pulled him to embrace me. I put my head on his stomach so that he wouldn't see my face. I didn't know why because I never felt the need to touch him before.

Somewhere in the back of my head, I kept on thinking, "I don't want to hand this person over to anyone. Not even tennis."  
For if he surpassed me, what will become of me? If he didn't, what would happen to him?

He crouched down and hugged my head, putting his cheek on my hair.  
Silently, we just stood there doing nothing. But no words could have described our feelings at that moment.  
After all, we couldn't move forward together. We'd break the balance of everything and everyone around us.

We knew this and still we held on, tighter.

Then, as soon my heart beat faster, I let go and looked into his stoic face. He held my cheek and I could feel the weight of my frown from his touch. Then, he turned around when someone came into the room.

It was Syuichiroh. Echizen lifted up a hand and smiled. Without any words, he tugged on his hat and stepped out the door. It clicked behind him, but Syuichiroh watched me as I carelessly looked at the door, longingly. My eyes looked at his, but I didn't say anything.  
I didn't have to. He had known all along.

He just didn't know how much I was in love with that boy.

So, here I was in front of a shrine again in the middle of the night. I didn't know what to do about graduation from high school. I didn't know what to do about giving up tennis for the real world.

And here I was praying, selfishly, to keep both of them…  
…unable to give both of them up.

Though I was not a person to be insincere or cheat, it was killing me because my feelings for each was true. I felt balanced with both of them in my life and to give up either was like tearing my own body, mind, and heart right in half, asking me to die voluntarily.

Yet, I felt awful because I was torn in two directions. Syusuke was always with me in spirit and Ryouma was always on my mind. I was different with both of them and yet they were both me. Whether I was independent and determined with Syusuke or uncertain and cared for by Ryouma.

How could both people within myself emerge? And how could my feelings towards Ryouma and Syusuke both be true?  
It wasn't fair to anyone. Eventually, I would hurt someone. But it would hurt me more to see one of them in pain, which was going to happen, and both of them were very prideful.

In the middle of fall, all alone in the cold and in front of the shrine, I began to shake. I started to silently cry because I didn't know the answer this time. I would have to wait.

And there was no way to know except to walk through hell itself.

 **Owari.**

 **Author's note:** It's been a while since I've done a Prince of Tennis fic, but I truly love Tezuka so I'll always come back to him. Whenever I am lost in life, I think of him and Takumi from Initial D as characters that seem to be inspirational when all the chips are stacked against you.

I had been working on this fic for about two weeks. It is a relatively simple fic when you look at the format, but I wanted to be careful about the details I brought out with Tezuka's relationship with Syusuke and Ryouma.

This is dedicated to Sakuhino because I know she loves Tezuka. And, for all the yaoi. XD

Love always, Yui  
11/12/2006 8:26 AM - LA  
11/13/2006 1:26 AM - Tokyo


End file.
